Cultivating Connection
When talking about relationships, there is a concept called new relationship energy (NRE). At the beginning of a relationship, emotional and sexual connection and therefore satisfaction are high. This is called NRE, and can last several months up to several years. It is largely driven by a flooding of bonding neurotransmitters in the brain. One may feel like they can’t stop thinking about their partner, the chemistry is high, and sexual compatibility is intense. By natures design, NRE will start to settle down. Many couples will experience moving into a more long-term relationship dynamic called companionate love hallmarked by intimacy, trust, commitment, mutual respect. Connection is deep, but it may feel different than it did before. I often hear folks describe things such as “the chemistry is just not there anymore” or “we don’t connect sexually like we used to.” This is a normal evolution of a long term relationship.
Communication
It may be no surprise that communication is first, but it is often what people struggle with the most when it comes to intimate topics. We often lack the language to truly express our desires, feel shameful about our fantasies, got really bad advice the last time we brought it up, or just feel too uncomfortable to discuss. I suggest picking a date to have an annual intimacy check in conversation such as New Years, a birthday, or an anniversary. Talk about it OUTSIDE the bedroom!
Safety
When I talk about safety, I mean both physical and emotional safety. Are you consenting to the physical acts that your partner is suggesting? It’s important to also feel emotional safety with your partner. Emotional safety comes by feeling secure and accepted by your partner. This is fostered through trust, respect of boundaries, consistent behavior (such as helping with daily home tasks!), open communication, and support. If you don’t feel these things outside the bedroom, your body and brain will recoil and intimacy will become off the table.
Prioritize pleasure and satisfaction
Humans can sometimes get into a rut and make intimacy performative and goal oriented. Goal oriented intimacy means engaging in it to achieve something - an orgasm for example. If the goal doesn’t happen, it often leads to disappointment and dissatisfaction. The point of intimacy is not this goal - it’s pleasure and satisfaction. Pleasure can be achieved by exploring what feels good, physically and mentally, to you. Typically when pleasure is explored, satisfaction follows. This is what helps your brain keep seeking out these intimate connections.
Playtime
What does sex even mean? Well it’s kind of like the word “play” - it has many meanings! You can either go to a play, or you can play an game. While we are talking about play, sex is adult playtime. It should be fun, interesting, and imaginative. Many people think that fantasies and imaging is scary or it means something about you. However, fantasies just help tap into your imagination and increase desire and improve satisfaction.
Below are four tangible suggestions you can start exploring NOW. All of these will help foster communication, safety, pleasure, satisfaction, and playtime:
Explore erotic literature through Dipsea or Quinn.
Take a quiz together on MojoUpgrade.com.
Join Arya subscription box to level up your intimate connection.
Find an AASECT sexuality counselor or sex therapist for more personalized help.
